Like many others, I dated a few people that were not good matches for me. Most of the people I dated were good guys, we just had different expectations, needs, and priorities. However, one of the people I dated exhibited abusive tendencies. I did not see his behavior as such and nearly married him. Even though I didn't marry him, the time I spent with him took a heavy toll on my self-esteem and changed my life for the worse in many ways. He never crossed the line into outright abuse (physical or emotional), and so I have hope that his marriage is a happy one. But this post isn't about him, it's about Curtis.

Curtis was a young man that I knew from high school. We were never friends, especially. We had a few conversations at seminary, and maybe danced once or twice at stake dances. He was nothing more than a friendly acquaintance. He was a year older than me, and I was better friends with his younger brother. He graduated from high school, went to a semester at the community college and then left on his mission. While he was gone I graduated from high school, and left my home town for a university in a neighboring city.

A few years passed and I found myself dating the boyfriend that I mentioned earlier. During the summer break I stayed at my apartment near the university in order to keep my job. My boyfriend left town for a summer internship and we talked on the phone regularly.

That summer there was a multi-stake YSA dance planned, and the stake from my hometown was invited. I was really excited about this activity. I was very proud of the ways I had grown and matured since leaving home and was looking forward to sharing my accomplishments with people I had known. The evening of the dance I spoke on the phone with my boyfriend. He mentioned attending an institute class, and told me about the discussion they had about Proverbs 31 (who can find a virtuous woman?), and he focused on verse 23 which reads: "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land." He interpreted this to mean that other men are jealous of the virtuous woman's husband, because she is such a catch. The conversation quickly turned to the standards of physical appearance that he expected his future wife (ostensibly me) to maintain.

He made it clear that what mattered most to him was that other men find his wife attractive, and that other men consider him lucky or respect him for having such an attractive wife. He also made it clear that if his wife ceased being attractive for whatever reason, he would not want to stay married to her. He then explained his displeasure with my wardrobe and expressed doubt that I could remain thin as I age. We had conversations like this frequently. At the time I couldn't articulate what bothered me about these conversations, but they did bother me. When I hung up the phone that particular evening I was deeply hurt, and felt sick. He said that he loved me, and I had always assumed that he just didn't understand that the things he said hurt me. I thought that I just needed to teach him, show him, and explain to him how to treat women, how to treat me.  We talked about marriage and I was sure that once he understood how to avoid hurting my feelings like that then we would blissfully happy.

I felt awful after that conversation and thought about staying home, but I went to the activity anyways. The prospect of seeing old friends was too exciting for me. Sadly, I overlooked the fact that most of my old friends had, like me, left my hometown. There was no one I knew at the dance. I wandered around for a long time looking for a familiar face, while tamping down the hurt I still felt from that night's phone conversation. I finally decided to leave.

On my way to the door I saw Curtis- a young man I hadn't seen, heard from, or even thought about in four years. His face lit up as he greeted me. He gave me a hug, said I looked great and asked what I had been up to. He listened to me while I told him about all the things I was so proud of- that I was supporting myself, and was studying physics. He congratulated me, and told me a little of what he had done since returning from his mission. At that point his date (whom he later married) returned from the bathroom, and we went our separate ways. It was a five, maybe ten minute conversation, but it was a major turning point in my life.

As I got in my car and drove away a thought entered my mind: "What if I am missing out on someone like Curtis?" The respect that Curtis showed me that night stood in stark contrast to the callous disregard my boyfriend had shown me just an hour earlier. I was dumbstruck when I saw how a passing acquaintance could treat me with more dignity than a man who professed to love me. That short conversation with Curtis changed the way I viewed my relationship with my boyfriend. I realized that someone like Curtis didn't need to be shown how avoid hurting my feelings, I remembered that stuff like that should be common knowledge. It became clear to me that my boyfriend treated me so carelessly because he didn't care about me. After a few weeks I was able to gain the courage to break up with him.

Curtis didn't do anything grand, or earth-shattering that evening. He was just being a nice guy like always, and he may not even remember attending that dance. That night he saved my life by just being a nice and showing up, I think we might be surprised how frequently this happens. Never hesitate to be uplifting and encouraging to others. Being nice can mean so much, and I am deeply grateful for someone who made the effort and took the time to be nice to me.